The Kamikaze Venom Vainly
Queen vs. coiled pilots
Warring can-smoke
Dead thoraces
Peace over Honey and
they quiet the graze
they become our
Grids of milk.
And sting and sting and
Die, triumphantly
Little diving trumpets
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7 comments:
this is really great kyle...i really love the imagery and the sounds...great words in here...if i had any critique to make, it might be that the thoraces coiled in vain, doesnt flow as much as the other lines...maybe "vain thoraces coil...or vainly coiled thoraces"...or something ..i dont know that thats an improvement at all tho...great work!
My only problem is with the word triumphantly - too pompous for such a cool poem. Also, what Loren said.
im not loren you russian crazy person!
OOPS! I meant Brian. i was crazy...i looooovve you guys!!
OK, so now, after deleting two (2) book-length comments due to my clumsiness, I'm going to start again.
I agree with all that has been said so far, and so I will stand on the shoulders of giants to make my critique. The words of the poem flow and are definitely cool, but I want to criticize some of them (bad words!) because they belong to the standard bee lexicon, if there is such a thing. What I mean by that is that I think some of the word/concept associations here are a little obvious and/or worn-out: "bees" = "Kamikaze pilots", "peacefulness" = "grazing (cows)", "honey" + "milk". Also, certain of the words are, as I said, standard bee parlance: "queen", "venom", "smoke", "thorax", "honey". Of course, that is not to say that they shouldn't be in the poem AT ALL--that's definitely not what I'm suggesting.
But, looking at the third stanza, I get excited. All of the stanzas LOOK good, i must say, but the third really moves. the short exclamation that leads it off IMMEDIATELY plunges my head into the image of a swarming hive under attack from beekeepers--and that is done with two words, and without the words "swarm", "hive", and "beekeeper". Know what I'm sayin?
And that's just the first sentence. The repetition of “sting and” is gutsy, and it WORKS its ASS off. It also increases the frenzy and fury and density that the first sentence initiates, and then it is suddenly cut off with “Die”—awesome—and the final image, “Little diving trumpets”, not only sounds beautiful, but again hits the nail on the head—it sets off fireworks in my brain. Also, I have to disagree, at least in part, with Olga, because I really like the word “triumpantly”, or at least some mutation of it—“triumphant,” “triumphal”, etc. etc.—because of its visual, sonic, and conceptual consonance with “trumpets”—they’re kinda the same—they’re different, but they answer + compliment each other.
So, because I am a barbarian with the poetical cutting knife, if it were my poem I might just keep the last stanza, either to exist by itself or for use elsewhere. But, no. Not necessarily, now that I think of it again. Tho if it were my poem I think I’d keep the last stanza as-is, unless whatever led me to do otherwise, and I’d manipulate the words/lines/phrases in the first two stanzas, just to shake up the diction and description. Like:
The Kamikaze Venom Vainly
Queen vs. coiled pilots
Warring smoke
Dead thoraces
Peace over Honey and
they quiet the graze
they become our
Grids of milk.
I took the first word of every line in the first stanza for the new first line, and then the second word from every line for the second line, etc. etc., making switches/changes/inversions where I liked.
AS USUAL. And of course, that could be just the beginning! But it’s not so much advice or suggestions as it is me being loony in order to make myself happy. Anyway, your poems pour some sugar on me, but less gross and more coolness.
Wow, Loren these comments are an incredible addition to those above. I am reborn in your enthusiasm for this poem, as my own was waning. You have a gift for finding great images via mixing and matching. My main issue with this piece was, as you put it, its resting place within the 'bee lexicon.' I plan to go right back to the workshop and revamp this poem to liven it up.
Postscript, I am so glad you like the final stanza, because it is the pearl in this one for me also. Thank you times many.
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