Packed with umbrellas
I promise, peddle:
Fling to people
Cling to the ankles of clouds
I am a blind dolphin
Riding an escalator
Writhing, a deflating balloon
The rain flows over us,
Black ink from a printing press
Your smile hops mountains
Of Jell-o, beside red
Happiness frogs scatter
Only for an afternoon
In truth, gelatin proof of rain.
3 comments:
Kyle, really love the revisions. I'm glad you kept the dolphin on the escalator, im glad jello is still there, and I loooove the ink image a ton. Now that all this shit is lined up, maybe play with the form a bit? I think it could add to the playfulness of the piece. cheers.
Nice, dude! "I am a blind dolphin/ Riding an escalator"...fuckin A, man. That's some serious shit.
In addition to Olga's comment on the form, I suggest (as I do to a lot of things) playing with the words to take it further away from conscious articulation and closer to the poem's autonomous/subauthorial/unconscious meat balloon plot lying fallow just over that there yonder ridge. What it is.
Anyway, what I'm saying is like, cutting words, switching words, cutting letters, turning words into words that sound/look like them. I've found that my favorite of my poems poems, the one's that interest/excite me most, are the ones wherein I've done that successfully. You can cover a lot of creative ground in just those short steps. Something to consider. And, I'd like to proffer an example: by switching one letter, you can make
"In truth, no gelatin or rain."
into
"In truth, no gelatin of rain."
Shit like that.
I mean, my comment and Olga's are both about "play"--and playing is probably one of the coolest parts of poetic speech, I think. Freedom of meaning. Variability. Chance. Expanding the ol' sensorium, as it were. I'm going crazy, but it sounds cool to me. Right on. Welcome to the blogo-whatzit.
hey kyle, i am quite impressed with the revision (this is andrew by the way)! i'm real big on all that you've done, and agree with Olga bout playing with the form, what works best, etc.
also, i think "In truth, no gelatin or rain" doesn't quite fit as a last line, though i think you can stick it between two () and sneak it after "Inside red happiness fog"
so that it'd be
"Inside red happiness fog
(In truth, no gelatin or rain)
Scatters your sight-plane
If only for an afternoon"
then you've got a nice rhyme on rain/plane and off-rhyme with rain and afternoon (N-ending, if that counts...)
and also, consider yourself added to my link-o-rama on my blog!
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